Enduring When It Matters
An approach to keep ourselves in check
How do we know when to keep going?
How do we know when to stop?
How do we know if this is worth it? Or if it will be worth it?
We have this tendency to romanticise our pursuits. We think that what we are doing is for our own good or for a brighter future — sometimes for the good of others or for the good of the world. But, oftentimes we become blinded by this ideal such that we lose sight and connection to our current state — to our own selves. We get so caught up with trying to please others and protecting our image. We get consumed by overwhelming emotions and be driven by them. We keep going despite the unbearable conditions because of fear of being left alone, of falling behind, and of the imagined disappointments that we’ll have to face.
We are so immersed in what we are doing — lost in the rhythm, volume, and pace of everything that is going on around us. With little to no thought, we have trained ourselves to tackle just about any demand or expectation that pops up in front of us. It has become a reflex to react or respond such that we don’t get to reconsider whether forward is the right course of action or not.
Amidst the humdrum of life — fleeting and lasting just the same — we can feel lost, confused, and overworked. We can feel frustrated. We can think it’s unfair. We can feel unappreciated. We feel hurt and feel like we are occasionally overextending ourselves. But it’s okay. It’s normal to feel this way. It just means that we care and what we are doing matters to us. What’s not okay is for what cause and at what cost we are doing it for. Are we doing it for the sake of what other people think? Are we doing it for our own selfish motives? Are we doing it at the price of our own well being? Are we doing it at the price of our self-esteem? Whether it’s the treatment, circumstances, or experiences, where do we draw the line between what we can and should tolerate and the things that we shouldn’t?
We remember people who have endured great trials and suffering. We look up to them and highly admire their strength. However, looking up to these people don’t necessarily tell us when to stop when things aren’t right anymore. We can’t even tell that things are not right anymore. How do they know when to call it quits, when to let things go, and when to walk away instead of towards it?
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
Our responsibilities and priorities will always be waiting for us. We have deliverables and plans that continuously line up and are eager for our time and attention. Any more time allotted to hesitating will become time wasted. I have to keep going. I have to keep moving forward. I just need to get this over with. I just need to power through this. This is what we tell ourselves.
The thing is, our situations don’t necessarily get better. We just get used to them. We become numb to the things that used to be unacceptable and appalling to us. We carry with us the disappointment towards ourselves, our situation, and the choices that we could have made but didn’t. We keep going.
We may know the lengths that we are willing to go but before we completely lose who we are, we must pause and check in with ourselves. Whether it will be worth it or not, we have the power to decide. With whatever we are enduring right now, we must reflect and ask ourselves these questions to guide us as to which direction we should be heading:
From what place am I coming from?
- Am I coming from a place of hate, regret, shame, denial, suffering, or fear?
- Am I doing this because I want approval?
- Am I doing this because I want to take revenge on the people who looked down on me, who left me, or who underestimated me?
- Am I doing this to redeem myself?
- Am I doing this because I am scared to be left alone or because I am scared of opposition?
What price am I paying for enduring and for holding on?
- How is it affecting my physical, mental, and emotional well-being?
- How is it affecting my relationships with the people around me?
- Do I feel fulfilment or happiness in what I am doing?
- Is it doing more harm than good to me and to everyone around me?
Fueling our actions and ideals with negativity and self-pity can work temporarily and give us immediate results and feelings of power. However, they don’t last long and can even harm us when disappointments or unmet expectations hit us. When we are driven by hate, we can get caught off guard when that person or thing is not what we thought or expected it to be. When we are driven by shame, we might soon come to realise that it was not as much of a big deal as we expected it to be. The rest of the world has already moved on and we were the only ones stuck in that shame. When we are driven by fear, our imagination of this fear might be nothing close to how it really is in reality.
BE AWARE OF THE RED FLAGS.
There are dangers for mindless enduring. The outcome that we want may be good but we could end up losing ourselves in the process. We take on darkness and toxicity that we don’t need. Without realising it, we are already forging ourselves towards our own destruction.
We tolerate abuse, injustice, threats, hurtful words, and accusations to maintain the so-called peace and harmony. We take on the blame as long as we get on their good side or we get to appease them. We deny ourselves of the respect and the rights that we deserve. We stay silent and allow others to rewrite our stories as they please. And as a result, we could end up believing these stories ourselves and lose who we really are.
We have the ability to choose our struggles. We can either allow certain things in our lives or not. We might confuse and call certain struggles as a sacrifice that was needed, a righteous suffering, or an equivalent exchange. We lie to ourselves. We choose to ignore these signs cause ‘it’s for the bigger picture’ and ‘it just has to be done’. We can tell ourselves stories to make these struggles justifiable and acceptable. But, is what you are hoping for really worth this kind of struggle?
KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS.
After assessing where we are coming from and becoming aware of the red flags, it may be healthier for us to reframe our intention if we find it misaligned to the hopes that we have. We can let the negative feelings dissolve and harness true strength and will power from a healthier and more sustainable source. And should we allow it, from a never-depleting source — a place called love. Love for oneself and love for others.
It is commendable to endure when it comes from a place of true strength: growth, humility, loyalty, hope, and forgiveness. When we aspire for growth, we are able to find meaning in the tests and challenges that are in our way. When we leverage from a place of humility, we are able to act with grace in the unfavourable situations that we encounter on our journey. We become more teachable and we will have an easier time accepting our shortcomings. When we remember our loyalty and commitment, we see clearly what is for the common good rather than just our own good. When we come from a place of hope, we gain the ability to always get back up from defeat and disappointments. When we carry with us forgiveness, we become free.
Tapping into these forms of strength may be a challenge especially when much of the world is just disappointing us and hurting us. But when we find ourselves coming from such places, we are able to find light amidst the challenges and trials that come our way. We also become carriers of light for others. The darkness and emptiness will hold no power in consuming our identities and our ideals. We are able to forge forward without doubt and fear of failure, or of falling apart because we know that such strength will always fuel us along the way.
